I will let it soothe me to numbness, the song
we never had. Some nights I will remember
the sweet words you never said and wish
that you were still mine. I will drive
till the sky again turns blue,
and finally I will sleep alone, dreaming

of the first time you took my hand. I dream
of the day broke the seal between my legs and the songs
you never played; the candles you never lit. I bury my white
teeth in my lip, and because I can not forget, I remember
the feeling of your hands, mouth, arms, legs entwined, as I drive
faster, speeding, rushing, flushed. Trying to escape, wishing

you were here. Wishing you were gone. Wishing,
so hard that I go back in time and change dreams
to memories. The farther I drive,
the louder the song
is ringing in my ears, till I remember
everything we were, through a filter of passionate red.

Your eyes were cold and distant, two shallow blue
pools that never focused. I always wanted
more. But they were the first eyes that saw, even if they didn’t remember.
So I just closed my eyes and dreamt
up a happier tune, dumbing out the song
of your ragged breath and redundant drive.

The farther I drive
the more distant you seem, until you’re a mere speck of grey
dust on my rearview mirror. But all the songs
that weren’t ours forever remind me of the desire
that brought us together and drifted us apart. A wish
whispered in the dark shadows of a suppressed dream
won’t be remembered

even when remembering
was all I swore I would do. And so I drive
far, fast and forever. Because if I close my eyes and dream
of your beautiful veiled blue
eyes, I will cry and wish
that I had had just one single song

to remember the grey
mornings we spent and wish
they had been more like the song in my dreams.


– Edel Garstad (2013)


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